Journal Entry// July 25th, 2009
It has been FAR too long since I last updated. Things have been crazy as of late… I’ve been at a conference, working on 3 websites, designing logos, creating a MoGraph piece, etc. It’s crazy. But I love it!! I’ll be writing soon(ish) about the conference I went to, Gurus of Tech. I took plenty of pictures and look forward to sharing them with you! But, as the title suggests, this is a journal entry. I feel it’s appropriate for what I’ve been going through lately and look forward to blogging, once again =].
“This is a weird time in my spiritual life. I’m learning not to be driven by guilt, but then what am I driven by? I should be driven by grace. For example, my main struggle is with my quiet time. I usually would spend an hour in the word, praying and reading. Now, it’s usually about 30 minutes. I reach a certain point, and I think to myself, I would only be continuing because I feel bad for stopping. But then I stop because I’m doing it out of guilt instead of out of love. Where’s the disconnect? What the heck am I doing wrong, or right? Should I in the moment of “I’m continuing because I’d feel bad, ” then try to change the motivation to: “I’m loving God this way?” I think so. I think my motivation for having a quiet time is being revealed through this thought, by the point of “If I stop, I’ll feel bad.” I think it’s showing that maybe I’m not going into it with the desire to please God, but rather I’m doing it because I know it’s right and it’s what I should do. Is continuing loving God?
Is this love? Doing what you have no desire to continue doing? Or is that merely commitment? I think commitment flows from love. So I may not feel all warm and gushy, but I am loving God by continuing with the mindset that I’m loving God this way, and not because I’ll feel bad otherwise. Now where are my emotions?
Jeez, I need to realize the God of the UNIVERSE wants to spend time with me! I’m saying to God, “Hey, I’ll catch you later.” I’m turning down an opportunity to spend time with the one who loves me the most in this world! For what? So I can go eat? Go see what’s new in the tech world? Not that those are bad and shouldn’t be enjoyed, I just need to get my priorities straight, and enjoy them in the right context.”
Hope this is encouraging, friends. Please, Comment! Share your thoughts and feelings!